I'm sitting in my usual spot with Thing 1 and Thing 2 keeping my feet warm on the ottoman, The Little Gentleman has been asleep for hours, and I'm watching The Carol Burnett Show. Oh yeah, I should also be in bed but sleep is elusive tonight.
My life is pretty much in upheaval right now, but then again, whose isn't? If you say you have a perfectly content life that never changes, I call you a liar. For little changes happen every day. I, on the other hand, am undergoing some incredible life changes. The main would be the final ending of my relationship with The Little Gentleman's father. The first time I met him was when I was with a random friend stopping by a random apartment. Instant Attraction. The 2nd meeting was months later at another random friends random house. It took only moments for me to know that some day I would marry him and only days before we were intimate, although no official relationship was ever established. I knew within a week that I was in love. A month later was 9/11. My memories of that day will always be engrained with him, for I spent my waking hours at his house in the company of my best friends glued to the tv or having a bonfire in my backyard those first few nights. It was he that I was crying with at a candle light vigil that I attended a few days afterwards. That was 8 years ago. Many more ups and downs in that time including the two of us not talking to one another, but when we were on good terms we were great friends. Every time we weren't on speaking terms was because he realized he was feeling something for me and had to pull away.
Then came the night of my sons conception. A one night stand and I knew even before he left that this one had been different. At the beginning things were great. He went to the first two doctors appointments. Then came the question: Are you sure its mine?
8 months later, he had seen me only a handful of times and only when I permitted it. I admit that I berated him often for not even sending a text to find out how his child was, but that was because he still didn't believe that the child I was growing was in fact his. My doctor was adamant that even though I knew that he was the father, that because he hadn't been there that she wasn't going to allow him in the birthing room. When she came in the room and saw him there, the first thing she did was to ask me if she should ask him to leave. I said no and she took it upon himself to throw a couple jabs his direction while I was concentration on my mission.
The Little Gentleman came out a perfect replica of his father and I was able to get my barb of, "Are you going to deny him now that you've seen him?" before letting him sign the paternity papers. It's not something I'm proud of, but damn it felt good. Two weeks later, we were back in the hospital. The Little Gentleman had a urinary tract infection. After surviving 5 days in the hospital, we were ready to try a real relationship. Now, 3 years later, after numerous tries and too many shed tears, our relationship has come to an end, for our friendship was always so much better. I love him, but I can't say I'm in love with him anymore. Its unfortunate that he was able to come to terms with his own feelings just as I was giving up on the relationship, but too much hurt has happened. Hurt that I won't get into now.
The point of this is that I have decided to try and put myself out there to meet new people. To see who is out there. My first attempts have been unfortunate. I am on a free dating website where I have been contact by a dozen or so men. It's intriging to me because my entire life, I have never been approached by an african american man and 7 of those 12 are african american. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not racist. Not in the least. In fact, my best friend is African Amercan and she and I attended an Anti-KKK rally on the front lawn of the state capitol in St. Paul. When I was younger, I used to wish for a little back girl for they were so adorable. I would have no problem dating an african american. The thing is, though. That I find very few african american men attractive, including those who are in the spotlight - like Will Smith, or Michael Jordan, ya get my point. That, however, is not my point about why it has been unfortunate. What is unfortunate about it, is that 8 out of the 12 people who have contacted me are 40+ years.
*blank stare*
I'm 28. There's a spot on my profile that gives an age range. I put from 25 - 35. Sorry guys, but 40+ is not 35. Two of the guys were 48 and 49. Old enough to be my father. Barf. Of the other four guys, two of them had attrocious grammer and spelling. While I'm not perfect, and especially when I'm just typing I tend to not spell check or edit, I just type, it bothers me when people use no caps, punctuation and speak in their version of ebonics. Hello. You come off as an idiot. Just had to put that out there. Of the other two guys (one of which is African American, in case you were curious) one hasn't responded to my response to his e-mail and the other might have potential. I'll let you know how that goes. He did respond to my response and I have since responded again. : )
The other one is the one that bothers me the most. There's a person who I knew growing up, well sort of knew. In the neighborhood that I grew up in, there were a ton of kids and there was always something to do - games to play, etc. One of the families that lived around teh corner and down a few had two boys, the youngest was my sis's age and the other was 6 years older than me. When I was 8, the eldest was in the high school musical, also the first musical I ever saw which inspired my love for musicals and wanting to be a Broadway star. Recently, I found the elder brother on a social networking site, and sent a request for friends - saying in my message that I knew of him growing up blah blah and wouldn't be offended since we didn't really know eachother. Much to my suprise, a letter was written in addition to the acceptance of the request. The e-mail was such saying that he would like to meet sometime as he knew of me but had never met me and was looking for people to hang out with. I responded with I am very shy and would rather chat a bit over e-mail to see if we even had anything in common to form a friendship. It was a plus for me that he had three kids, one of which was almost exactly the same age as The Little Gentleman - a built in friend for him too! He is in the middle of a divorce and that seemed perfect for me. I am essentially in the same position and he seemed safe to get used to talking to guys again knowing there was no chance for it to get serious. Somewhere in two e-mails he got the impression that I was contacting him only for a booty call. I had gone to the measures of making sure that wasn't the impression that I got, but he told me that was all. Within minutes of that, he was asking me on a booty call. When I declined, he started spouting philisophical mumbo-jumbo about how it was destiny we were both on line at the same time and we should go bump it in the park and have a good time. I continued to hold my ground, for we still had never even met and I am a shy person! I've never had a booty call in my life, I was petrified! I got an apology the next day, to which I said there was nothing to apologise for, and that was the last that I had heard from him.
Man, I am a sucky judge of character. Either that, or when I think that I'm straying away from a certain kind of guy - I find him in a different package.
Its hard for me to get out and meet people. I'm not a big drinker. The last time that I drank was a year ago at a wedding reception - and I was TANKED. I'm too shy for the bar scene and have absolutely no rhythym so don't go to clubs. The guys who are interested in the same things I am are usually gay, most of my guy friends are, or they like the blonde model types - of which I am most heartily and heavily not.
In the end though, it doesn't get me discouraged, because the only man that I care with my whole heart how he feels, is snuggled under his Thomas Blankie waiting for his Momma to come to bed so he can sneak into hers in the wee early morning to poke her face to make her up around 8.
And on that note, I'm off to bed.
~Peace.
7 years ago
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